i love to bake. i don’t do it as much as i like because i never have anyone to feed. sometimes, that doesn’t matter. i just have to make something. something out of something or something out of a lot of things that i would never think to put together, whatever it is, it is always perfect.
when i was in college, people used to tell me that i would be someone someday. that i was going to go places. i always had so much going on that i never really paid attention. all i could think was: “why are you so involved in where i am going, you should pay attention to yourself.” i just nodded and went about my day.
i mean, how could i be going places? i always had something more going on - i never just stick to one thing. i am usually knee deep in so-called “projects” - i love to be busy. at the time when i was in college in i was doing action script, making websites and fantasy illustrations. then i wrote a screenplay and did some demos on using google and started to help people with their projects. i don’t even know how they though i could go somewhere when i was everywhere.
and then, i left college and everything kind of went to the wayside. i gave up horseback riding, i haven’t even looked at flash since, i haven’t programmed a website in ages and i haven’t drawn anything outside of a doodle in years.
it’s almost discouraging. in recent years, and especially with the loss of my job that i had for many years, i have picked up the art of cake decorating and through that baking. and i bake all the time. cakes, cookies, pies, cheesecakes, pastries, breads - whatever. i just like to make it.
am i going anywhere with this? will i be that someone, someday that they kept telling me i was going to be? i don’t know - i do know that it is up to me and that i shouldn’t feel like i disappointed people by not being that person. by not becoming something other, you know?
i also know that something big happening here. there is a lot of stuff in motion. there is so much that i am not in control of anymore, there is so much that i just can’t figure it out. maybe one day i will be that someone. that someone that people will say: ‘hey, i knew her before this. i knew her when she was a fucking mean ass bitch. and look - she still is.’
maybe. maybe not.
oh well, imma enjoy some cookies.